PAY A PRICE...FOR BEING YOURSELF

Whats Self respect? How do we define it? At times like these, i think its nothing but a word we attach to ourselves every time we're scared of doing something, we're really tempted too.
The dictionary defines it as respect for one;s character and dignity. That's right. But who respects it really?.. I am a self respecting girl, that's great. But does it work if i keep saying it to myself everyday over and over again every time that i feel tempted to sin? I'll lay my hands off the temptation and say this mantra over and again but is it really going to work?

Okay ill start from the beginning...

When we were kids, we believed in Santa.. well okay, we were 'made' to believe in Santa, that he comes at night and gives you gifts on Christmas and that's how you'll know you've been good. We loved to hear that tale over and again simply because as kids, we just loved to know that someone unknown with a bag full of goodies (that we were always craving for) will just generously drop it off to us without a question. We liked that feeling, it made us happy. So we believed. And well, because we believed, our parents probably did act a bit crazy and slip in those chocolates under our pillows. And that's how.. well at least i, have grown up. - Believing in things and hoping that they'd come true..if nothing else, they will only Because iv so truly believed in them.

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen."

Sparks do fly, Love happens at first sight and there is something called Telepathy. And then of course, there is God who i talk to. All these are notions that have no logical reasoning's and yet i believe in them. They happen they don't, but you go on believing. Maybe coz they give you some inner peace.. just as i said a few days back, praying gives us a sense of peace that yes it'll be all okay. The same way..if i am really apprehensive about the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, i will just lay back to 'love at first sight' and sit back waiting for it to happen!
"It doesn't work this way, you're too dreamy eyed to be real!" - Was that you who jerked me up? Yes, iv heard those a whole lot of times before.. but isn't belief much more than just escaping the problems within? I Believe coz i know it'll happen. Because if i really want something and i don't know if ill get it, i start believing i will :) .. that's some psychology isn't it.

But then that means i wait for sparks to fly.. i wait to see those broken stars and make a wish.. and i wait for god to talk back - and time will kill it all. There come weak moments when things i believe in, don't happen and am pushed back to the real world, where everything is all too practical, where people go by black and white - where its all in your hands and your hands are all you got. That scares me. If everything is in your control and you someday have all the answers to everything, then where will the mysteries be? What will we dream about? :)
Okay, yes i digress. Who knows half my blog entries are nothing but digressions. But hey, am coming to the point..if you've lost interest already, there's no way you'll pull through till the end of the entry.

Weak moments come, when faith shakes. And you realize you're holding but a stone carved idol in your hand who will Not talk back. Coz it isn't alive.. moments when you know Telepathy was nothing but a desperate moment when you wished you'd speak to your best pal and 'coincidentally' she called. Weak moments and your faith will sway. And you'll doubt it all - all those things you always believed in. And I'm in one of those. Sadly, this is but a weak moment...

Self respect is a quality iv always admired in people, always tried to imbibe.. but i guess, who're we doing it all for? If i consciously choose not to go down the lowest rung of dignity to get my hands on my promotion, iv stuck by my principles. Yet who have i done this for? Who's really noticed? Who's deserved this? Iv stuck to something i believed in, but at the end of it all - am i happy down there? Why is it that i have saved myself from sinning and yet i see i haven't quite got what i wanted. Self respecting woman. ..Who respects her? Who even recognizes the fact that she is one? Liberated and happier are those, who just get out there and grab what they want, the instant they want it! The carnal instincts within them - they get up and grab it. They don't believe in things - they hear their heart out and get them!

I on the other hand remain saddled with my beliefs, my weak moments and my strong ones. I am self respecting, but now i doubt if it really matters? All that will ever matter, is that you be happy, inside out. How is it then that i bury the temptation, listening to the 'self respecting' girl in me only to realize, i let go of an instinct that could've made me happier. I sit all self respecting and head held high. But does anyone even care? And will it even make a difference?
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"I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself. I will be rich by myself, and not by borrowing."