HAPPINESS - OUT IN STORES NOW!

I was walking down the lane to my place when this flourescent poster struck my eye, all it read was " 'Happiness'- 0ut on Stores now' and it took hours for me to reach home, just a few blocks down the lane. And all this while i thought. and thought. You know there are times when you like to be alone, not in the loner-kind-of-way but because thoughts come to you then, than you going to them you know...when it all begins from a germ of a thought and they involuntarily just kind of build up, one leads to another and you're soon caught in the maze of things when suddenly something strikes you again - from the external world and you get to a conclusion...That's what happened to me, yesterday.

I had been thinking for the past many days on why I wasn't happy. No I am innately a happy content being, nothing to doubt that, but well I've recently achieved something. Something i had aimed for, made plans for, been apprehensive about, dreamt of, lost sleep on...and well i had achieved it. On merit. But i wasn't happy. Well you know, you find out that you've done it and yes there are jubilations, screams, woohoos and hugs and you smile. But thats not the kind of happiness I'm talking about - the kind when you're smiling to yourself when alone, when everything just seems good - even an autorikshaw ride just makes you happy and sing, you begin to notice the weather - the winds, let your hair down on a bike without worrying of dandruff! :) you know - INNER HAPPINESS. It was missing. And i wondered why. I chatted with my bestest friend on msn everyday and just the same question - i was happy alright, but i never shut my bedroom door and danced to akon! i never screamed my lungs out and did a cartwheel! So though i was happy, i wasn't TRULY HAPPY. why? I couldn't put my finger on it!

And so my brain did all sorts of thinking and i dug and dug into my mental state of mind and repeatedly asked my self, whats wrong? And yesterday it struck me. The problem was, everything was JUST RIGHT. That was the problem. Let me explain.
It was one rainy day when i chatted hours with my bestest pal and we discussed our ambitions, our wildest fantasies, our craziest demands from life...and how we going to get there exactly. We made our bubbles, burst them on our own and traced ways to achieve them in real life. It was fun...There soon came pointers or what we called it later 'goals' and 'mini goals' of life. It was all on paper - at 21, at 25, and post marriage...we didn't bother to see beyond that tag :) , you see it's just too unpredictable after that. But yes that also meant, we hardly had time to plan our lives. Everything had to be achieved...quickly and on time! That meant putting your heart and soul and focusing totally on whats at hand. And boy, we did it...i achieved the first step of what i had to and she's well on her way to her first too. But you know what? Thats where i think i volunteered to put my happiness up on the shelves ..for sale :)
I planned my life out. One by one, what to do what not to do. No risks, no downs, no losses. Everything was planned (Man, why am i sounding like Akshay Kumar of Ajnabee? - thats a bolly flick, let it be am just too filmy to stick on my own thoughts sometimes) And thats why when i cracked my 12th boards and cracked them well, my 'Things to do' read like :

1) Shopping (Makeover)

2) Night outs

3) Hair cut (Makeover)

4) Night stay at Swati's

5) Get driving license

6) Get CD player
And well 3 years down the line, today too i have something to rejoice on..but my 'Things to do' today reads like:

1) Accommodation at new city

2) Plan finances

3) Get driving license

4) Laptop for college
and well it ends there. Try and ignore the fact that i still haven't got my driving license, thats not the point. The point is, well Why have i stopped doing all the things i loved to do when i was in school? Why have i stopped looking at every Saturday Sunday, like i looked at them when i was in school? - 2 days to live life! I've grown up, i have. But i don't like it anymore. My life is all too planned out! No wonder I've stopped feeling 'truly happy' at small things anymore - hell i cant even stop labeling achievements 'big' and 'small'! I'm corporatizing!!
The answer to my problem is simple - I have too many goals put by me, as i cross every stage the true happiness of any achievement dies out as apprehension to achieve my next, more bigger goals hits me! Just like, we forget to be happy when we sit on a bicycle and ride it all by ourselves when we keep thinking when am i going to ride it single handedly! It'll always happen - its natural. The moment you plan your life.. school - college - job - good job -...! the transition from school to college and college to job will just not be a WOW I DID IT! it'll be too mechanical! Too 'yes i did it, now for the next'! I don't know if i quite make sense here, but i can tell you because its happening to me right now. I've been plagued by it. This disease called 'AMBITION' AND 'GOAL' AND 'FOCUS' - hell its all good - but man you just stop feeling happy over small things like taking your friends out to dinner and paying for it!! :) You stop feeling happy for 'Hey you're smart, you figured it out!' 'Hey you looking nice today' 'Congratulations, i knew you'd do it' - compliments that come our way everyday. We smile for a brief second and there, its gone. We're growing up - yes. But why are we leaving our kid-hood behind? Why doesn't ice cream at 2 am make me giggle and laugh? Because am worried of waking up early morn next day for work?? Dam you! Dam you adult-hood! You snatched my happiness away!!
Look at the pic i put for this blog. What'll strike you about her is not her age, but her smile...it comes from within her. I'd give dreams of a thousand CEO's today to be HER when...when i grow up - TRULY HAPPY.
And that fluorescent paper that caught my eye was my own blog head...and i still sit here thinking.. caught in a maze of thoughts - times when EVERYTHING RIGHT IN LIFE CAN ALSO MAKE A WRONG...People with problems in life should really not be unhappy you know, sometimes even a frown you see in the mirror can make you laugh out loud... but a perfect life will mean the same face in the mirror day after day... the mirror will rust and true happiness will have to be Bought!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."